


Dear Evil Heaven

by cannibalisticshadows



Series: Dear Evil Heaven [1]
Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jewish Character, Religious tolerance, Social Justice, Some Humor, Two Shot, gag idea from megamind saying "shool", there's some antisemitic slurs because some people suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannibalisticshadows/pseuds/cannibalisticshadows
Summary: After some typical bantering between our supervillain and damsel, Megamind slips up again and calls school "shool".Roxanne takes him seriously, and accidentally reveals a little fact about herself that not many people in Metro City know.~.~((Undergoing construction/editing))





	1. Part I

“…And you look like a skank!”

“That’s big talk coming from a bobble head!”

“At least I cover myself!”

“You could walk into an BDSM club and no one would bat an eye!”

“Gah!” The blue supervillain threw his hands up, frustrated with the woman. Seriously, how hard was it to act a little bit scared? They had an audience! Well, soon, anyway. Metro Man was taking his sweet-ass time today, and hadn’t even made his expected appearance at the Park’s reopening yet! Megamind huffed, leaning back into his chair with all his villainous allure. He bet _Waaayne_ was still primping his hair. Fwah!

And to make matters more difficult, his number one kidnappee was being an absolute brat!

“Is that anyway a lady should talk, Miss Ritchi? I’m sure it makes you a _ton_ of free-ends!”

“More friends than you’ll ever make, blueberry!”

Oh, that was low even for her.

Megamind bolted upright, causing his chair to squeak on its wheels as it was pushed backwards most roughly. “Call me that again and I’ll really make you scream!”

“Oh I’m so scared,” Roxanne’s voice dripped with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes, “what in heavens will I do?”

“Yes! Beg for mercy! I’ll show you to never underestimate me again!” He shouted, and actually slammed his fist onto the control panels, causing one of his torture devises to spur into action. Roxanne, clearly thinking she had been in control, actually jolted with surprise as the razor-sharp blade came spinning and whirling down from the ceiling. 

He hadn’t intended to let one of his inventions out, but yelped and grappled for the appropriate control to stop the blades—they were so close to her—!

It stopped, finally, after much fuss on his part. He turned, a little bit frightened to find what might be of Miss Ritchi… And thank goodness she was okay. 

But apparently it cut a few hairs off her head. Oops.

Minion, who was standing idly by in the background, stared with his jaw open. The razor had been very close to actually touching their hostage.

“Oh my god,” she gasped, looking concerned. For once. “Goodness, Megamind, if I knew that calling you names would rile you up so bad I’d hold back a bit.”

He sniffed. He didn’t want her to know that by calling him blueberry would poke a tender spot. It was a favorite name the kids at school liked to call him. 

“No! No, I’m perfectly fine! This is normal me!” Megamind insisted, ignoring Minion’s look of worry. “But you’re better than calling me names shool-yard brats use!”

Her blue eyes had been actually anxious, before, but once he finished speaking Roxanne shot him a look of—what? Surprise?

“Shul?”

“That’s what I said, damn it!” He threw himself down onto his chair. Great, now she was making fun of his mispronunciation problem. This was turning out to be a disaster before it even begun! He turned to Minion to order him to get the knock-out gas out and cancel today’s evil plot, when—

“I thought I was the only one here—I mean, I know there are others, but—Megamind, I had no idea! Where do—or did—you go?.

One of his brows curled upward. Was she actually surprised he went to school? Wow. Sure, he only went for a few months, but still… “I went to shool like everyone else, Miss Ritchi! And I’m looking right through your nosy reporter skills, so don’t—“

“It’s just I didn’t expect you of all people to be Jewish.”

A look of confusion fell over his face. He spun around in his chair to face her properly.

“Say what now?”

She was looking in her lap with a look of thoughtfulness, an expression he only saw on her when she was reporting a case particularly interesting, with her brows drawn up and her lips curled into a funny little smile. “Did you have a bar mitzvah? What was your parsha?”

“What?”

She laughed, somewhat nervously. This was… unlike her. “Sorry, haha! I’m just—really surprised! I mean, you’re—an alien, right? You’ve never really confirmed that. As a kid I went to a Modern Orthodox shul—mostly Sephardic. But after my father passed away, a little bit before my bat mitzvah, my family became more reformed, but then my mom met this Chabad rabbi… Megamind?”

She was looking at him, like she expected him to say something—Oh, had he hit his head on something? He wasn’t understanding a word she was saying. Panicking, he shifted his eyes to Minion, who shrugged, clueless as him. What was she talking about?

“Megamind?” She asked again.

“What—what language are you—“ If she had somehow changed languages, he had no clue. That frightened him, because he knew just about every language!

With his words, the report’s shoulders, previously up and attentive, slowly drooped down along with her expression. Her blue eyes became shifty. Worried, almost. “Shul… You know, synagogue? Temple?”

“I—“ Of course he knew was a synagogue was, he wasn’t stupid. But—how did Ritchi get the assumption he was apart of one of this planet’s religious groups? Megamind wasn’t religious himself; he was a man of science. Yet, as a child, he and Minion liked the idea of Heaven—a place where souls go to after a person dies. It comforted him to think his parents still watched out for him, even in death. He hadn’t been around long enough on his home planet to know of its religious aspects, but he was not one to completely dismiss the theological belief of a being greater than man. After all, he believed in Destiny to the point of worship.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Miss Ritchi. But confusing me will get you nowhere! Minion!” Said henchfish jumped in place. “Plans are canceled! Take Miss Ritchi home!”

Roxanne opened her mouth to speak, looking almost frightened for a moment (wow she was hitting a lot of damsel-worthy expressions today) before Minion brought out the knock-out spray and gave her a reasonable dosage.

They watched the reporter slump in her chair, unconscious. He blinked owlishly and looked to his fishy friend. It seemed they had some research to do on this theology his favorite kidnappee associated herself with. 

~.~.~.~

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

Roxanne groaned as she came to, vision blurry and unfocused. 

She’d slipped up big time today, and in front of Megamind of all people! Oh, this could be her downfall. If the station found out—Shit, she was fucked. 

Slowly, she rose up from her red couch and stretched, angrily rubbing her eyes. Megamind was always looking for a weakness in her, and today he just found it. 

Roxanne remembers her childhood well—Shabbat dinner, making Challah with Mom, the candles, kissing the mezuzah, preparing herself for her bat mizvah—yet that was in the past, when her father was still alive and well, laughing with her and her brother at the table, walking to shul. It felt like a lifetime ago.

Yet her father died, leaving her mother and her brother and herself alone, to a community, though it meant well, couldn’t keep their damn mouths shut with gossip. One little rumor and—oh, poor mama. Roxanne shook her head. Religion, in her eyes, could be good and well, but people—people could just make it shitty.

Still a widow, her mom’s “friends” let one little rumor get to them and—well, they moved away, when the stares and whispers became too much, to a smaller community. It was better, and they made new friends and the rabbi was much more understanding—that actually led to her mom getting remarried, but—Roxanne and her brother David went down two very different paths. He went to yeshiva and studied, while she—well, still bitter from the horrible way their old community in New Bergville treated them, she moved away to college and got her first real taste of the outside world and became attached. Roxanne’s love for journalism grew and she learned, graduated, and—

Drifted. Of course she still spoke to her mom and brothers—and her step-father—but her visits home lessened until she could barely remember the morning prayers anymore. She didn’t even have mezuzahs up. 

And if—if her boss found out—

 _”Zionists! Filthy people!”_ Her boss's voice hissed in her mind. "Draining good people of their hard-earned money! Damn Katz--who the fuck does that Jew think he is--" One of their department managers was Jewish. Joe just could not stand that fact. Fuck, she’d get so fired if he found out—

Vivian, who happened to be Hindu, and a good friend of hers, was “let go” after Joe found out she was one of those "subhuman" Indians. Joe had a serious intolerance for religion in general. 

And now Megamind knew because she messed up and misunderstood. 

For once, she felt truly doomed by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Bergville is a made-up town. 
> 
> And religious intolerance and gossip sucks. What Roxanne is talking about is, because her mother became a single mom, some people judged her for that. It's fucked up, since in Judaism gossip is considered as bad as murder. 
> 
> But it happens and I'm speaking from a place I've witnessed and experienced myself.
> 
> ~.~
> 
> (Edited February 2019


	2. Part II

Megamind hummed over the large book. Really, even an evil genius such as himself could learn something new everyday. And boy was there a lot he didn’t know. 

There was some religious views from his prison uncles growing up—he’d gone into a church from time to time, and had gone into the confessional thing once when he was twelve—but no one had really opened him up to the world of other religions. It was—fascinating. According to this book Judaism had 613 commandments, unlike the standard 10. How would anyone remember them all (he could, with his brain, but humans are different)!

To his shock, there was serval famous people who were Jewish. One example, which surprised him, was Marilyn Monroe. Wasn’t she a—he blushed thinking about it—sex symbol of sorts? Yet, according to history she converted for her husband, and stayed Jewish even after the divorce. 

Secondly, on his search to learn more about this theology, which, he discovered, was the oldest of the world’s three major monotheistic religions, he found that there was a lot of… negative outlooks. 

It was confusing—on official sites, where he found interesting material to read, contrasted greatly with the opinions of non-Jews (called gentiles, apparently). Anti-Semitism. Besides that, he found a lot of ugly claims of other religions, too. Wasn’t this America? Freedom of religion and speech all that? What gave people the idea to bash these other theologies, which, in his eyes, were just doing their own thing and not bothering anybody (excluding Satanic cults). It made his stomach queasy just to read over some of the prejudice remarks. 

When it came time to kidnap Roxanne again, he chose to keep his mouth shut about last week’s ordeal. He wasn’t sure why, but he suspected the religious topic was a touchy one for her. Secondly, he knew Metro City was mainly Christian—it was the modern era, but according to his research there was still anti-Semitism and other religious-intolerant people out there. Perhaps Roxanne just had bad memories of her time as a practicing Jew. Either way he didn’t bring it up.

She didn’t mention it either, but kept her eyes away from his. Oooh. Megamind wasn’t sure if he liked this submissive Miss Ritchi.

So two weeks later, freshly out of prison and his newest evil scheme up and ready to go, he couldn’t keep his questions in.

“Miss Ritchi!” he shouted cheerfully, rolling over on his chair as Minion pulled the bag off her head. She shook her head in her best attempt to straighten her hair, glaring through her lovely eyelashes. 

“Hi.”

“I have a question!” Megamind clapped his hands and plopped the big book into his lap, opening up to a page. “Is it true you have six hundred and thirteen commandments and not ten?”

Roxanne stared at him as if he’d grown a second hand. “Excuse me?” 

“In your religion—Judaism—is it true you have six hundred and thirteen commandments?”

It took a moment for her to answer. She stared at him for a long moment, like she was trying to figure him out. He just nodded eagerly, waiting for her answer. 

“It—there’s a standard ten, of course. But—the rest of the commandments, also called mitzvahs or mitzvoth, is what follows the ten.”

“Ah… But… How do you remember them all?”

She gives him another hard stare. “...I guess that’s why there’s Teshuva.”

“Teshuva?”

“Repentance… You know… Atoning for a sin… Megamind, _what_ in the hell are you going on about?” He watched her fidget in her chair, testing Minion’s restraints. They never made the ropes too tight. 

“Curiosity,” he said, confused as to why she would be confused. “Naturally. I wish to know more of this religion of yours!”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well, you’re Jewish, right? Shouldn’t you explain the basics to someone who shows interest?” Megamind expected her to jump on the prospect of trying to gain another member to her religion. It's what the ministers at the prison did.

Sighing, Roxanne asked, “Have you ever met a Jewish missionary? They don’t exist for a reason.”

He cocked his head to the side, thinking about it. He’d met religious missionaries, most of them of Christian faith; she was right—he’d never heard of a Jewish missionary. “Then how do you get more people to join your religion?”

“We really don’t. If you want to convert then you must go to an orthodox rabbi or a shul. It’s a long process and they’ll probably make it difficult for you.”

“Why?”

 _“Oh my God_ —okay, I’ll say this once, and no more questions, alright? Imagine there’s this club. A super old and serious club. If you want to join, that’s okay, but they’ll vet you and try to tempt you out of it. Only if you’re really serious about joining will they let you in.”

“Huh,” Megamind murmured, leaning back in his chair. “So, how do you learn more about this Judaism?”

“I don’t know!” Roxanne jerked her head. “Ask a rabbi! Can we get on with this? I have an appointment later and I don’t want to miss it.”

~.~.~.~

With Metro Man dead, he can't quite believe it.

Megamind never expected to win.

Really. Even though he had fun trying to defeat his nemesis, he never thought it would work. Of course he was happy the fucker was dead, but the idea of him—a good to his evil—was a sorry thing to lose. Who would fight him now? The other “heros” were nothing compared to the other alien. And the other villains were no where near super. Megamind could just go out and fight a person; they were weak compared to his biological make up. And not to brag, but growing up in a prison doesn’t make a sissy out of a boy.

So when he found himself bonding to Roxanne (under the disguise of a man called Bernard) he decided to take a little road trip to a small town call News Bergville.

Roxanne mentioned it was where she was born and raised—so obviously he wanted to check it out. It was a quiet town, but there were several charms he was drawn to. Multiple old buildings dotted the area, and modest brick houses in big neighborhoods. There were mom and pop stores, a few places of worship—most, to his find, were synagogues. New Bergville was largely Jewish.

Megamind did have lots of questions for Roxanne and her theological beliefs; she though, hadn’t been too keen on elaborating. 

So, using his holowatch to be Bernard, he went around to explore the place and people.

There were men in black suits; strings that came down on either side, front and back; some had hats, others didn’t, and some had curly bits of hair on the sides of their heads. Some had long beards, while other’s were neatly trimmed. 

The women wore skirts or dresses, most of which came to the knee or below, and sleeves that came to the elbow or longer. Some, to his curiosity, had too-perfect hair or head wraps, while others, mostly the younger women, wore their hair out beautifully. 

A few people spoke Hebrew, and once or twice he caught someone speaking Yiddish. He was a bit scruffy on his Yiddish, and was appealed to the idea of practicing with some of these people. 

Soon Megamind found himself on the steps of an old looking synagogue. There was a large window at the front of the building, of stained glass with an intricate Star of David in the middle. Overall the architecture was superbly done, and Megamind hummed approvingly. 

He was so caught up in admiring the building he didn’t realize a man came up to stand beside him.

“It only takes a few steps to walk inside,” he said, startling Megamind from his musing. He turned to find what looked like a rabbi—beard, suit, and hat and all. He was an older gentleman, but he had kind eyes and a throaty laugh to his tone of voice. The man chuckled when Megamind gawked, unsure of what to say.

“People stand here because of two things,” the rabbi (Megamind assumed so) said. “It’s to appreciate the building, or it’s because he's nervous about entering in fear of being judged. Might I guess it’s the former?”

“Ah,” Megamind chuckled, nervous to be carrying on a conversation with someone other than a being he’s know for years. “That’s right! But—Excuse me, but are you a—a _rab-bee?_ A leader of sorts in this theology?”

The man laughed again. “I see you’re one of the more scientific fellows. Yes, I’m the head rabbi of this congregation. Can I help you?”

“Yes, actually,” he said, excited to learn new material as the older male began to walk toward the front doors. Megamind followed with a skip. “It’s for—educational purposes!”

“I have time to answer,” the rabbi replied softly, but to Megamind, something said he wasn't entirely too keen on answering a non-Jew's questions. “My name is Benjamin Shwarz.”

“Ah—Bern _ard_. Doe.”

“Well, Mr. Doe, would you care for tea?” Rabbi Shwarz asked as he led the disguised supervillain to the back of the shul. Inside was just as well-done as the out. There were several rows of seats in the center of the room, slit in half by what looked to be a tall platform. There was a stag in the front of the room, with a square curtain on the wall. He concluded from his past research that it was where the Torahs were kept. Other than that, heavy looking bookshelves lined the walls, filled with what they were built for. Wow. 

“Okay,” Megamind drawled, sitting down in a lumpy leather chair as the rabbi sat at his desk. He watched at Schwarz made the tea, cheerfully so, until he came to take his own seat and give his guest his drink.

“So you have questions?”

“Yeah—um, you see, a… friend of mine is Jewish, and I recently found out. Now I have no idea about anything,” he motioned to the room, “and I do enjoy learning. I’d like to know more.”

The rabbi didn’t nod or shake his head, just leaned back in his chair. Megamind remembered Roxanne’s unease at answering his questions, and hoped this man wouldn’t be the same. Schwarz said, “I may not be able to answer everything, but I’ll do my bes—“

Megamind jumped into it. “Why is there so many branches of Judaism? Is it like Christianity, with Catholics and Mormons? Is that all considered Christianity anyway?”

“You’ve heard of the diaspora, right?” Megamind blinked owlishly. “Jews outside of Israel. A lot of us went our own ways, and through different places we formed different traditions. So we have Ashkenazi Jews, from more European traditions, and Sephardi, from Spain.”

“So you all consider yourselves Jews, then?”

“A Jew is a Jew,” the rabbi laughed. “Though we may _kvetch_ about it, we’re still Jews.”

“So, according to Judaism, are only practicing Jews allowed in—heaven?”

The rabbi gave him a soft smile. “Have you ever heard the term “Righteous Gentile?”

“No.”

“It’s a good person who’s not a Jew. You don’t have to be Jewish to go to heaven.”

“Whaa—but, aren’t they punished, by your religion’s views, for not being—“

“Who gives us the reason to think that, my boy?” The rabbi said softly. “God made all of us, didn’t he? He made Jews, he made non-Jews, he made farmers and doctors and news reporters. He made you and me. Some don’t like to say it, but he made Hitler, too. If you’re on this Earth you’re here for a reason, and questioning your afterlife is wasting the potential you can use now.”

“...Did he make Destiny?”

“Does he not?”

Megamind hummed thoughtfully. “So—if God makes everything, does he make the universe? Life beyond that? On... other planets?” 

Schwarz made a little sound of acknowledgement. “That’s a fairly big topic, and some might not take it seriously. I, however, am open minded to most things.” With a grunt, he turned around and wheeled himself to a shelf, and tugged out a book with golden letters on the cover. It opened the opposite way than America’s books—like in Japan. “Some think extraterrestrials are mentioned in the Torah.”

“Really!?”

“There are arguments on when it says “heavenly bodies”, does the Torah mean angles, or something else. Besides, I think it's obvious at this point that it's practically in front of our faces. You've heard of that blue fellow up in Metro City, yes? If he's not a guy in a costume, it won't really shake the belief of life on other worlds.”

"Yeeeeeaaah..." He laughed anxiously. "Megamind - he, uh, kidnapped that girl..."

"Roxanne, yes. She's my step-daughter."

Megamind nearly choked on his own spit.

"Really?"

The rabbi nodded, rocking back in his squeaky chair as he took a sip of his tea. "She says he's harmless, but if he kill that superhero, I wouldn't be so willing to befriend him. To kill one life is to destroy the world entire."

Megamind gulped.

"Though I've heard of him helping the homeless in the area. If it's true... Well, murder is never alright."

"Ah..." How on earth did people know about that!? Megamind hissed inwardly. He bet it was Mickey. That kid liked to talk.

"Hopefully she'll come home soon," the rabbi grumbled. "She's stubborn, like her mother, but God willing she'll come around eventually."

"Wait. Even though Roxanne doesn't really seem... you know, religious like the fema--women in this town, you still want her to come home?

"Of course! She's the daughter I never had. We are family."

"Are you upset she became less religious?"

Schwarz tilted his head. "Like I said, God made us all for a purpose. And, one of our own purposes in life is to be happy. I know much Roxanne's job means to her, and so does her mother and brother. I have no problem with her living her life the way she sees fit. But enough about me... what were we talking about?"

"Aliens."

"Right, right. Andho, there's nothing in the Old Testiment that says they don't exist."

“Yes! I want to know about that!”

“Mhmm; Rabbi Chasdai Crescas of Spain said that there’s nothing in the Torah that denies the possibility of life on other planets… Even the Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Shneerson, said the Torah has support of the notion. 

“He actually said, when a microbiologist asked him if they should try to find life on Mars, that if we can’t find life in Mars, then we should look elsewhere, since to claim that life is only on earth, would be to put limitations on the Creator. And that’s simply not done. Of course there are others that deny, but... Actually, I was just reading of a debate discussing the Prophetess Deborah—she mentions cursing a place called Meroz, and how they and God’s angles _‘fought from the heavens’_ and the _stars from their orbits…_ Do you catch my drift, Mr. Doe? That’s just a rough translation, though. It’s just speculation. And there are other examples, like—“

Before the rabbi could continue this engrossing lesson, a woman came into the office wearing a pair of large glasses and a long red and brown dress. “Oh! I didn’t know you had a guest, Benny—“ Goodness, Megamind thought. This woman looked... a lot like an older version of Roxanne... He felt his palms get sweaty. 

“It’s alright, dear,” Schwarz said, standing up to greet the woman. “This is Bernard Doe, he’s—“

Though he’d been interested, Megamind had to get back home to take Roxanne on their dinner date. A date. An actual date… “Just leaving,” he said. “Apologies for taking up more time than intended, rabbi! I must go—ah, to actually meat my friend—“

“Ah, well, I won’t keep you, then. Good day to you, Mr. Doe!”

~.~.~.~

 

Naturally Roxanne didn’t expect Megamind to actually get interested in her private life. She expected him to make a claim about it on the air during one of his attacks on Metro Man, but to her surprise he did not. It never came up, or was it even hinted at.

It smothered her feathers, so to speak, but she kept a cautious eye on Megamind from then on.

And so time went on and things went back to normal. Metro Man captured Megamind, he went to prison, he got out of prison, she was kidnapped, he fought Metro Man, repeat. 

Until one day he actually won.

Megamind, to her shock (she never thought he was really capable of being the evil dictator he claimed to be) took over Metro City and…well, things fell from there. There was Bernard, and Hal, and the heartbreak in the rain. Titan, Megamind’s presentation, Minion’s faked dying scene—

Megamind telling her he loved her.

But that was a week ago, and right now she wanted to focus on the present. A present she was happy to see, with Megamind finally accepting he wasn't as bad as he thought.

Roxanne sighed and leaned against her couch, Megamind against her side, warm and real and breath. Their stomachs were full of the chicken she’d baked for lunch earlier, and they settled in her living room to cuddle. 

Thought nine days had passed since Hal's defeat, she was still healing from the fight—her wrist was recovering from its sprain, and bruises still fading. Then there was the matter of her and Megamind. They still had issues to work out, but he was making major improvements. If he kept this up she saw a beautiful future ahead of them. 

She shook her head from her thoughts.

Earlier she had invited Megamind over for lunch, and he came (without Minion [the alien fish was helping the brainbots rebuild the city]) with a skip in his step. His joy was contagious, and she found herself quickly laughing with him moments after his arrival. “I missed you,” he said, almost shyly. “Is—is that okay for me to say?”

“Yes,” she reassured him, patting his shoulder. Roxanne hadn’t realized it before, but perhaps she had loved him long before he pretended to be Bernard. “I missed you too. How’s the city’s clean up coming along?”

“Great! Wonderful! The bots are a bit agitated with the change in plans, but I’ve gotten most of them repaired and the rest are getting accustomed to being nice to others. How—how are you?” 

“Good,” she said softly before turning to the kitchen to cook. It was a little habit she picked up from her mother—she loved to cook for her friends. “Megamind, do you have any food allergies?”

“Hm?” He looked up from a picture he’d been studying off the wall. “Oh!—No milk products for me. Or corn products.”

“Ah.” Well, that made some things hard. Perhaps she’d bake the chicken in her fridge, then. And so she prepared the food, and Megamind twittered about the kitchen and tried to help as best as he could. He was still trying to overcome his “evilness”, but he was making a good start.

She was sprinkling garlic salt over the raw chicken parts when, from the corner of her eye, she watched Megamind pop up from behind the door of her fridge. “You don’t have any pork.”

It was a small, very small, reminder of last year when she more or less told him she was Jewish.

“I don’t eat it.”

“Funny,” he said, thoughtful, “most people I’ve known, mostly my prison uncles and the warden loved it. I kinda got used to the idea that everyone has it.”

“I—“ She took a moment to think over her words. This was Megamind, and from what she learned of him as Bernard, he was a strong believer in that people should have the freedom to do as they please, as long as it wasn’t illegal or amoral. “I don’t eat some seafood, either. Like crabs or clams.”

“Do you eat milk and meat? Together? I read in Judaic textbook that—“

“I don’t practice but I don’t eat that, either.”

“So you could say…” a devilish smile came across his face. “You’re… Jewish-ish.”

“Jewish-ish?”

He sputtered, trying to hold back a laugh.

And Roxanne found herself laughing too. 

Megamind was near painfully kind to her; she didn’t mind, as long as he didn’t treat her like a house of cards. He didn’t, so that’s probably how they found themselves on the couch making out like teenagers. 

She sighed against his damp periwinkle lips, amazing at the smoothness of his blue skin. His fingers were toying with her hair, and she found herself leaning more into him. Unlike before, at the restaurant, there was no one watching, and no gadgets to fool her eyes. This was Megamind, in his leather suit without the spikes, being good and kind and sweet. 

“Roxanne,” he breathed, following her mouth. She giggled softly and tapped his mouth with her finger. 

“Let’s take it slow for now. Lunch isn’t even out of the oven, yet.”

“Yes—slow. Taking it slow. I like that.”

“I—“ She stopped, right as her phone went off. They shared a look, because really neither of them wanted to move, but she had been expecting a call. “I might need to get that.”

He just nodded.

~.~.~.~

When he thought about it, Megamind could think of all the little moments he fell more in love with Roxanne. Her bravery, for one, was a genuine fascination of his. Her independence and sensible mind. Her ass— _ets_. Assets. 

But the day she hugged him (even though he was wearing Bernard’s face) made him realize it. 

And boy was he head over heels. 

Sitting pateintly, he tried to not eavesdrop on her phone call—even though she was in the same room. He tried to be good, for her, but it was hard to let go of his mischievousness.

“Hi, Mom,” Roxanne said, putting the phone between her ear and shoulder as she moved to fiddle around her kitchen. “Yeah, I’m okay. How’re the boys? No, I’m not avoiding the question—Gosh, Ma! I’m really okay! It’s just a sprain—no I don’t need you to come out here. Yes there is food in my apartment. I’m actually making lunch for a friend—” 

Megamind watched with sharp green eyes as Roxanne rolled her own eyes, mixing together some liquids he suspected was for salad dressing. “Maybe,” she continued, after much “yes”s and “no”s to her mother’s questions. “So if we are…? Oh my god, Ma, no, he’d not—he’s literally sitting in my living room. Being normal.”

Oh, no. Megamind winced. They were talking about him. What would Roxanne’s family know about him, anyway—no, scratch that. They had to know of all the times he kidnapped her. He met her step dad in his office, for pete's sake.

Greeeeat first impressions.

“You saw what he’s done,” she insisted, pulling out a bowl from her cabnit. He wanted to get up and help, but he didn’t want to interrupt, either. “He’s turning a new leaf… Well, I don’t know! Yes, I asked him that! Yeah. Alright. Sure. Yes. I’ll tell him. Okay. Bye. Love you. Of course. No, I'm not being mean-- Okayloveyoutoobye!” Quickly, Roxanne hung up and sighed loudly.

“Uh—“ He began, standing up. “Is—“

“You’re fine, Megamind,” she said before walking over. “They’re just concerned.”

“Is she upset I’m with you? I’m sure she hates m—”

“She’s kinda upset we’re alone together but she doesn’t hate you, sweetie. Maybe she’d like to give you a nice smack upside the head, but she doesn’t _hate_ you.”

“Oh.”

“She says I should start feeding you.”

He looked up, surprised.

“It’s a—kind of a Jewish mother serotype.”

“Ahhh—is, uh, is your family doing well, then?”

“They’re alright,” she said happily, pouring the dressing into the bowl of spinach. When did she get the spinach out? “But they… My mom wants to meet you.”

Megamind sputtered. “What? Why?”

She gave him a sharp look. “If we’re going to make this work my family won’t just let us be without knowing you, first.”

“But—I’m—Was a villain.“ He remembered what Schwarz said, about killing one life... He sighed.

"Oh, wait, that's right! I told them Metro Man was never dead."

He looked up in surprise.

Roxanne set the bowl of salad on the table with a audible clack. “They don't think you're evil, Megamind, if that's what your thinking. But I’m as ansty as you when it comes to my family. Look, we—we all get along, but—“

He took a second to think about it. Roxanne seemed at ease when she spoke to her mother, and spoke fondly of her family when he was Bernard. However she showed signs of not wanting to actually see them. It sounded like Roxanne considered herself the alien, not him. 

“Roxanne,” he began, sitting at the table as she fidgeted with the tableware. “How long has it been since you saw your relatives?”

After a long moment, she answered, “A few years... long years.”

It perplexed him, but Megamind found it odd. If he still had a family he’d be more than willing to see them now and then. Family was… family. Minion, though not related to him by blood, was more than Megamind ever considered anyone to be “family”. Even if they didn’t have the same views, or practices as he suspected, family shouldn’t… outcast a member for a reason so small, would they? It was as silly as the few homeless kids in his criminal network—a few claimed to have been kicked out of their own home after telling their parents they were gay, or trans, or something of the matter. Ridiculous!

“Miss Ritchi,” he said, crossing his arms atop the table. “Just because you feel like the black sheep—is that the saying?—of your family, doesn’t mean you have to distance yourself. They love you.”

“Yeah, I know... And It’s not just that… okay, well, maybe a little, but I haven’t seen them in... I sound stupid, now.”

“You do.”

She glared, but not seriously. “Then what do you suggest, Mr. Evil Genius?”

“Go visit them!”

It didn’t take long to convince her. And after, when they had eaten lunch and were full and a wee bit sleepy from her marvelous chicken, they snuggled on the couch and went back to kissing.

And he did like the kissing part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *walks up on stage* That bit where Rabbi Schwarz says that Judaism is accepting of the theory of life on other planets? True. *drops microphone* Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
> 
> ~.~.~.~
> 
> And the bit about 'too perfect hair'-- it's a wig. Some conservative or observant women cover their hair after getting married.
> 
>  
> 
> And, because I didn't mention it, Megamind goes on to find out why Roxanne was worried about him finding out she was Jewish. Mean boss Joe is fired and everyone lives happily ever after.
> 
> The End.


End file.
